In the best interests of the child ...
...when the legal system decideds, no one truly wins
In the best interests of the child ...
...when the legal system decideds, no one truly wins
Custody, just the name feels adversarial, connoting a one-over-the-other situation. The professionals have even attempted to use a different name, parenting time, or parenting plan or physical custody versus legal custody, to try and make this process more positive. However, more than the name, it is those who are involved in this process that make it either truly in the best interests of the child or adversarial. And, the two people that control this the most are your children's parents.
The underlying guideline for determining custody is based on what is "in the best interests of the child." Unfortunately, this leaves a lot of room for subjective judgment and very open to the bias of the person you may be working with. There are some states, like California and Washington that, by default, start from a position of awarding joint custody.
Everyone has their bias and what they view as what is right. Custody disputes and the people who are part of the system are no exception. Code of ethics do not prevent this. To many, the mother-child relationship is, or should be, a sacred institution (see Custody in the Real World, a good article describing some of the factors a judge will/may use in a custody determination case). With an already biased process, adding transgender issues is, sadly, another black mark on your list.
Custody, and divorce, are very emotionally stressful, and you must also try and make choices and decisions in areas where most are not familiar. As a Transgender Parent you will be facing an uphill battle, even in cases where your child's other parent's parenting is weak. You are asking people to let go of their deeply rooted ideas of gender, morality, motherhood and protection of the child.
You will be asked what you think the impact your transition or "sex change" will have on your children. An answer even the professionals try to shy away from. You may be asked if other family members know.
(Important Note: The following article regarding children of transsexuals is the only study found so far. The conclusion is that having a transsexual parent does not directly adversely impact the emotional health or development of their children. " Transsexuals' Children," by Richard Green).
You will also likely have to be an educator to your lawyer, providing them with information about Gender Identity Disorder (GID), any caselaw that provides background in custody disputes involving a Transgender Parent and possibly a list of friends willing to speak on your behalf. You may also need to call an expert witness to testify for you about GID, the current standards of care and, possibly, about how you are doing with GID, transition and with your children.
Some of the information you will read here will not be comforting. None of the information offers any prediction to what the outcome of your situation will be. The information will give you the real-world look at custody and being transgender. The information will offer you the chance to deal with the emotional shock value that your being transgender is hoped to have and be used against you.
Through this you will need your support circle, your therapists. You will need to take care of yourself. You cannot be there for your children if you are not there for yourself. Rely on your friends, cry and cherish the times you spend with your children. They can take away time. They cannot take away your relationship history, your memories, nor can they take away your belief in you and who you are.
-- Paula --
TransParentcy presented a Transgender Parent Issues workshop at NGLTF's Creating Change Conference 2002, held in Portland, OR. An Adobe PDFTM file has been created of the presentation and can be downloaded here, TransParentcy Workshop.
What legal rights do Transgender Parents have? >>