Love for a Child
by Paula Funatake

My Journey Through Custody as a Transgender Parent

Detailed Version (Adobe PDF version)

This is the first "printing" (July 2, 2001) of my story.

Detailed Version Contents

Dedication and Acknowledgments

Preface

Irreconcilable Differences

Gender Identity Disorder

Chance of a Life Time

The Best Interests

Into the Legal Fray

An Attorney with Integrity

Mediation and a Broken Trust

The Custody Evaluation

A Glimmer of Truth Begins to Shine

A Roller Coaster Week

An Awesome Judge

Will This Ever End?

Always There For You, No Matter What

A New Life, A New Beginning

Summary Version

Our relationship started with closeness, caring and fun in 1995. In 1996 our joy, Evan, was born. Shortly after the weight of our lives' baggage became too much for each other. We struggled with communication, space, needs and how to be parents at the same time. As parents, I became the sole income, she a stay at home mom.

As our connection grew weaker we tried a marriage counselor, but the sessions seemed more focused on me as the problem (even before coming out as trans). What happened to the 50/50 notion of relationships? The cost of this additional expense would force Elizabeth back to work - a situation she did not relish.

In 1997 I could no longer repress my trans feelings. I would start seeing a transgender specialist therapist and would be "discovered" by Elizabeth. Her initial reaction was relief that the make up and other things were not "another woman&qquot;. We would work through this, and initially we did. I would have quite a lot of freedom at home to dress and our son would "see" it as just the way things are.

After Elizabeth started back to work we also hired a nanny so Evan could be cared for in his own home. Four nonths into the arrangement, the nanny would quit due to a poor working relationship between her and Elizabeth. The good news was my employer at the time provided me with a lot of flexibility and telecommuting. So, for a bit over three months I was Evan's care provider during the day. We grew very close and I loved focusing my time being a parent - watching him learn about the world around him, watching him grow.

While my relationship with Evan grew, my relationship with Elizabeth soured even more. There was little that she saw I did was good, even when I supported her relationship with Evan, she found something wrong in that. In the summer of 1999 we concluded that our marriage would not work and that we would divorce. We agreed to have our couples therapist mediate how we would manage the divorce and parenting.

Soon into our mediation period she began raising concerns over my transgender status and being a parent to Evan. Even despite what she knew was a good relationship between Evan and me. I did not see the clues to her own agenda nor what she was really attempting to do. Only much later, after reconnecting with her dad would I fully understand the extent of her self-imposed isolation from past relationships.

Around February 2000 I discovered just how nasty and angry and plotting this divorce was going to be. I found a lawyer bill in the mail to her. At that point I knew I was in trouble and knew that I now had to play catchup. I also was struck that all this time we are in mediation she is taking all this as "dirt" to plan her attacks, months ahead of me even knowing. I quickly halted the mediation and confronted her about the sneakiness. Her only reply was, "You could have gotten a lawyer." My reply, "But I did not because we were suppose to be working this out in mediation."

I did find an attorney, the only referral I was able to find through the Oregon Bar Association. Very fortunately he turned out to be very good and very supportive. [Note: as of 2004 he has taken on other trans cases as a result and has commented he seems to be the "expert" in the area.] I also began what would turn out to be a two year research effort to find legal support, precedence and/or case law to defend against the trans negative tactic for custody.

Throughout the grueling, two year process, my being trans and many other twisted, incorrect accusations would used to try and almost totally remove me from Evan's life. Anger can be an awful thing when used so destructively. Her goal was self motivated, to follow her pattern of totally disconnecting from bad relationships - much like she had done with her own father. However, as mutual parents she would find the ability to do that much, much more difficult. I would find that I was glad to be in Multnomah County jurisdiction!

My work was an uphill battle, playing catchup and trying to focus on what was best for Evan. Each step along this journey more and more people saw the control issues, saw the unwillingness to put Evan first. She did convince and conservative custody evaluator that I was this totally awful person and parent, who was prone to deep depression and was a danger to Evan. I was already behind the proverbial eight ball even before I met with the evaluator, Jean Furchner, who has since retired - yaaaahhh. I had to take a test called the MMPI, which consisted of nearly 600 questions. Her final report was inaccurate, twisted and written only to support what Elizabeth wanted, basic, very minimal time with Evan.

The bonus of the evalutor's report was I received it on Valentine's Day - talk about irony. The report basically triggered the hardest fight I would have to wage, the most difficult challenge to protect Evan's time with me, to stand up for me as a person, parent and just human.

I wanted to quit, to just be over all this, I wanted to shout and be nasty right back, I wanted to and did, cry a lot. Many friends would be there, I am so thankful and blessed to have people I could call on, people who would provide me with the emotional outlet to be scared and angry and frustrated. I continued to maintain a goal of equal parenting time. She wanted more property and money. She actually asked me why I would not accept one of their offers. "Huh? You have to ask?", I thought. I could only reply, "This has been really hard on me." We were so far into the legal fray that my lawyer was only protecting my legal rights as far as the property and money goes (much more important things to her than to me). Very early in our mediation I had said, I am not worried about the property things that I can always get more, that I have done that in my life. On in mediation did I say that and in one of our meetings at the courthouse her attorney had commented about that. That pretty much confirmed that she had been "spying" during our mediation - taking confidential information out.

Well, she definitely did not get what she wanted, nor did I to an extent. See TransParentcy - Papadopoulos v. Funatake (May 2001), for a description of our final decree. Evan and I did have more time than most, plus the added item that increased our time after the first year. Another biggy was explicitly having joint legal custody, different than physical custody.

The Lemonade

Throughout this adventure, if one can call it that, there was some wonderful things that came out and that I enjoyed and experienced.

Evan and I continued to have a close relationship. He is such an empathic, compassionate child. He always seemed to know how I was feeling, there was no hiding from him. The significant, memory moment for me was when I picked him up after receiving the devastating evaluator's report. I spent some time crying and stopped and talked to the pre-school director before going into his room to pick him up. He seemed to know almost immediately. Rather than his normal playfulness and high energy, we gathered his things and he just took my hand, really, he took MY hand and we walked out.

When all of the mess started, I had also recently started hormones and had actually started making plans to transition. My current employer was supportive, but also unfortunately my special project ended and they did not have an equivalent position available, so I was also looking and then started another job. I intentionally put my focused transition on hold, though I continued my hormones and stuff. I wanted to focus on protecting my parenting rights. Well, without "thinking" about it I was actually still transitioning.

More and more I was addressed as female - I typically dressed androgynously (so I thought) like jeans and such. When I got to the other side of the divorce I was being addressed as female and only very, very rarely as male. As I began a new single with child life I found I had transitioned. I started another new job in January 2002 and transitioned to full-time in September 2002. Life has been awesome since then. "Waiting" on when I transitioned was the best thing for me. I was far more ready, far more self-assured to deal with the potentials and risks that can come when one transitions. Plus, I really believe the energy I needed for the divorce was so intense that transitioning and divorcing would not have been possible.

I learned many lessons or philosophies or epiphanies.

• "You are never given more than you can handle." -- That is true, however, I would add that, "You do not have to handle it alone." Reaching out, asking for help is not failing.
• I learned that To be Strong, You must be Weak. Reaching out to my friends allowed me to have and honor my emotions, to get them out. Once they were out, I was able to work on the things I needed to deal with - strategies and next steps. I also met many wonderful legal advocates across the country.
• TransParentcy was founded. I found a way to share all that I had learned, all that I had discovered so others would not have to spend their two years finding information. I wanted to help others not be in a constant catchup because the fight is easier for those who use being trans as a negative in custody cases.
• I learned that the goal really is not transitioning but integrating. By acknowledging who I was and being proud of who I was I was really integrating my transsexualism into all the other parts of who I was. I was not going somewhere, I was completing someone.
• Integrity rules. Integrity did not always feel like the right choice, even today, I want, at times, to be nasty. However, any nasty will always have an affect on Evan, so I trust that what goes around does come around, just not always on the schedule I would like. I have no regrets about the actions I took throughout the divorce. I would have no worries if Evan, at some point in his life, asked me what I did during the divorce.
• You can use integrity and attorney in the same sentence. A friend had made that comment when I talked about my attorney. Ivan Karmel was awesome and I am so thankful for his representation and respect of my wishes. I have referred others to him as well as he has helped with Oregon referrals for me.
• I love being a parent to Evan. Being a parent is my greatest joy and number one priority.

--Paula--